Single Ladies

"You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie."

I've never actually seen Sleepless in Seattle (but it's on demand, so I'm starting it tomorrow), but this quote has always been glued into my brain. It's true. For as much as I think I want to be in love, I really don't. I want to be in love in a movie.

I recently joined 20 Something Bloggers and one discussion board topic asked the impossible question: Why are you single?

Why am I single?

For my first three years of college, I hated this about myself. There were girls everywhere that were meaner than me and not as pretty as me that were with really attractive, really sweet, really smart, really funny guys. What was the problem?! Besides the fact that, you know, I'm socially awkward sometimes. This is especially maddening, even still, since I had a level of confidence that bordered on arrogant in high school, but that seemed to have left me the minute I stepped foot on campus the first time.

Then, after joining a sorority, I met quite a few girls in serious relationships, 3/4 of the couples are now engaged. ENGAGED?! I'm old enough to know people that are getting married?! When did that happen?? More importantly, how do I make it stop? I realize part of this is because I attend a Catholic university, where a lot of my peers grew up with the expectation and desire to be married with a baby or two by twenty-five.

That's when I realized I wouldn't want to be in a relationship. Why am I single? I'm afraid of commitment, first and foremost...and most importantly. I have zero desire to be in a serious relationship. I have zero desire to be married by the time that I'm twenty-five...I'm not even sure I want to be married when I turn thirty. I definitely don't want kids. If I could get my tubes tied tomorrow, I would. To be frank, the only reason why I want a relationship is because I'm still a virgin and I don't want to remain one until I'm married. No, thank you. It's just not for me. If you're going to do it, GOOD FOR YOU!

It bothers me that I feel like people my age are dating to get married, because that doesn't interest me in the slightest. I'd like to have a serious relationship to say that I've had a serious relationship post-high school, where nothing seems to be considered serious, anyway. I feel as though when you're in your twenties, though, and you start dating seriously, people start wondering when you and said significant other are going to take the next step. Why do I have to? I have my entire life ahead of me.

I also think I'm single because I'm too passionate. I have several beliefs and I'm very vocal about them and they are deal breakers. I'm very liberal, for instance, and I don't think I could date someone actively (politically) conservative. I like cats, which sounds silly, but I can't see my life without a cat in the future. I don't want children (yes, this could change) and I don't want someone who would want children right away. I love musical theater and I couldn't be with someone who couldn't at least tolerate it for me. I don't want to stay in my city, so what's the point of finding someone right now?

Why am I single? I'm an emotional trainwreck. I want to get close and will get needy and clingy if I'm feeling neglected, but then when I get too much attention, I feel suffocated and want, no kind of need to cut and run. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, it seems - my words, no one else's.

I'm single because I spent Monday and Tuesday stalking Taylor Lautner outside of a local high school and accidentally ended up on the news. Because I have a bad temper, because I sometimes like to play games, and because I'm the girl next door, one of the guys - not the girl of your dreams.

I used to hate this about myself and tried to become a girl of one's dreams, but...it's easier to just be me. I'm just glad I'm realizing this at twenty-one instead of forty-one. I'm embracing being single because there's a ton I want to do. I want to travel Europe. Move to New York. Maybe move to San Diego. Get my Ph.D in Cinema Studies from NYU. Make a name for myself. Publish a book. Be my own security blanket. Being in a relationship won't help make any of that possible.

I'm single because I don't want to be considered selfish at the expense of someone else. I'm single because I'm twenty-one and deserve to be selfish. Besides, casually dating is seriously underrated and makes life fuller.

I'm single for my own good.

"Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" by Beyonce; 2008